Mesa Verde-Day 2

Cliff Dwelling

Day 2 in the South West Desert was also week 2 of mommy’s passing. The heaviness inside was a familiar feeling to me. After my brother’s murder for a year I lived in 2 week intervals, the last 2 weeks in the month I was lighter then the beginning of the next month was all in preparation for the next month anniversary and the weight descended again. So much of that struggle was not just from the sudden loss but the violent way in which he left this world, it was hard for my psyche to understand. The loss of my mother is complex in a different way, she passed from natural causes comfortably and safely. Yes, she was young, as am I, but the loss of a parent is something that sends most people on a soul journey and I have to take mine so soon after returning from the odessy of my brother. With my mother crossed over it’s like a final embilical cord has been cut. I have been an adult on my own for several years now and I am having the curious experience when I’m going to bed of wanting to marsupial crawl into my mother’s lap like I used to as a kid. It seems I am learning that 2 parts of us mourn when a mother crosses, the adult now version of ourselves and our inner child.

As promised I went to point peak for the sunset and brought Plimpton (mommy) along per her request-the whole reason I came to Mesa Verde first. After a steep 300′ climb I had a panoramic view of Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, and Arizona! Stunning is not a strong enough word! I investigated each and every outlook to find the very best spot, I settled on the farthest point looking out to the Ute Mountains. The wind was strong as I stood there, a balm to my pagan soul, I adore when the weather matches the turbulence inside-it’s cleansing for me. I stood on the cliff out cropping with the wind snapping at my dress, she rode the wind like dandelion seeds dancing across the cliffs. I stood there a moment trying to identify what I felt in my body, I came to happiness that I was able to do what she asked, proud to be in such a place a woman on my own two feet, and sad that she is gone.

The view was so vast that I could clearly see the sun setting on one side on the other the mountains and canyons being blanketed in a blue so rich it appeared velvet next to the yolk of the sun. Grandmother Moon in her 1st quarter of June’s cycle watched over me, she always centers me.

It was a little after 9p when I got back to my room and I was getting settled when I heard a bird scream, what felt like at me, 2x. The last time a bird yelled at me it was a crow friend outside my apt wanting me to see the double rainbow that had come, a gift so perfectly timed after a sad day working in the jail. So, I thought, if they yelled at me again I will go out b/c I know it’s intended for me-scream again she did-out to the deck I toodled. My eyes adjusted and I saw a bat swooping gracefully snatching up the night buggies right next to my balcony, I looked to the sky but it was not yet dark enough for the stars to be out when I saw it. A shooting star went right overhead, big and bright-slow moving in the sense that it’s tail lasted a moment and your eye really got to follow it. I do not doubt that that was Mommy and she liked what I had done.

The next morning after I got my coffee and went directly to the balcony again, a winged someone came towards my face, I thought a moth-there are some large ones here- when I turned my face it was a hummingbird staring at me so close I had to lean back. My mouth fell open, I just couldn’t believe it. Deano told me that hummingbirds imprint and when they do that they are imprinting on you. This has been happening since the night mommy crossed over. After Humming Bird and I recognized each other she zipped on about her day. After that there was a Jack rabbit, a yellow bellied marmot, and ravens. All my neighbors were gone adventuring while I journaled so it was quiet and still when my new friends came out of the oaks and sage to look at me. I felt seen in a way that can only happen when we gently make eye contact with the wild ones.

This will have to be all for now my friends, this new day is unfurling in front of me and adventure awaits. Something I think I hope comes from me lifting the curtain on my grieving process is that folks recognize in themselves a mirror, we all suffer in this life and we all have joy-that is the human experience. We have been sold an idea that our value comes from how many irons we have in the fire, the grind or the hustle are buzz words making the singular focus of working seem cool. This world is expansive and magical, I don’t believe our purpose on this planet is career alone. As I ask myself a question I invite you to do the same, what does it mean to re-wild yourself?