21st Century Gorgons

Trauma Warning | SA is discussed

Medusa: Priestess at Athena's temple; Raped by Poseidon, punished by Athena-turned into a mortal gorgon, Decapitated by Perseus who uses her head as a weapon.

This story is over 3,000 years old and yet it still holds relevancy in the 21st century. So much so that people have taken to having her tattooed as a symbol of their own survival of sexual assault. Today I took my shadow and brought it forward, placing it in the light never to be hidden away again.

Let me explain.

Two years ago (how has it already been that long?!) I wrote about the journey into a healing from SA workbook (that by the way is not even close to being completed). Well, something brewed in me this spring, perhaps it has been reading Brene Brown for work and thinking about her discussion of shame, or maybe it is the nearness of my birthday and how hard I find that. It is likely also do to the dance therapy I have been training in for my own well being. Never have I resided in my body so intentionally and boldly. I think all these components made a foundation to no longer be ok being the family secret.

It took me nearly 20 years to finally tell my mother what had happened to me when I was 4. It took a lot of wine and I felt the words clogged in my throat desperate to be released, I can remember the pressure of them waiting. My brother was 6 years older than me and the beloved, only boy of the family. He would have been 10 when he was molesting me. When I finally told her, in tears at 22, she told me it couldn't possibly have been him. I allowed her to convince me that it was someone else in the family, I thought, I was 4 maybe I just remember it wrong. Though looking back it almost makes me ill to remember about how she manipulated me, saying that I likely was remembering him because it was easier to think it was he rather than who she wanted to accuse. I don't think I will ever understand how a parent could do such a thing.

When my brother died we were all rocked by the murder, but there was one day I went walking along the river where his body was found and I had this profound sense that I was safe, that nothing would happen to me again. I told my mother this and that I thought my memories were correct. The time came when we had to describe to the police my brother's character. I did not recognize the person my mother and grandmother described. I sat in utter silence as the glory of the beloved was enshrined. When we got outside I thought I would give my mother the chance to do the right thing one more time. I waited for Grammy to get in the car and I looked my mother in the eyes, telling her how much I wanted to tell the police. All she could give me was an I know and a hug, getting in the car and driving away with Grammy. I stood on the sidewalk astounded and abandoned. I had a choice at that moment to be silent the way I was expected or to do something. I chose to do something, bringing myself back inside to give the police my experience of him in life. I actually told the DA directly, who was thankfully a woman. When I was done and racked with tears the police asked if I felt better. The DA looked me straight in the eyes and spoke for me so accurately, then she hugged me. In that moment I new I had finally told 'a grown-up'.

I got my brother's thumb print tattooed on my fore-arm not long after the murder and when I told my therapist, at the time, she wondered if it felt like the mark of my abuser had been brought forward. At the moment it didn't resonate with me-I was far too emotionally mangled by the violence of the murder. But, today I went and got Medusa tattooed on my hand. Knowing what she stands for in current culture, I have taken a giant step out of the shame shadow and more boldly state- Me Too. I now own the story and it is up to no one to cover it up.

I serve on the advisory council for the NYS Office of Victim Services, the very agency that compensated for the therapist I had after the murder. I hold one of the survivor member seats, and it is one of the only places where I am broadcasting that I am a survivor of much. Now with my gorgon to guide me, I also now firmly stand in society owning my survivorship. I feel so wildly validated knowing that a stranger may see me and they will know. I am seen.

To the folks who made it this far, thank you for holding space for my story. I never thought this was one I would make so public. Thank you for seeing me. As always I hope that my words find whoever needs them and that what is needed can be taken. Shame can only exist in the dark, so let's turn the lights on my loves.

<3 Lily